Whenever you're ready

It's been a few days since I last posted, and many things have happened since then.
Firstly is my location, I am currently sitting my in late grandfathers office in South Carolina. The baby and I drove down here Wednesday and I only just figured out how to connect to my mom's wireless tonight which explains my absence.
Secondly is my state of mind. Usually the 12 hour drive down here is very cathartic for me, but since Pumpkin head doesn't like to sleep in the car the joy of the open road has been lost.
Still stepping away from your situation from time to time is always a good thing! And I don't mean like a night or a weekend though those can be good too. I mean real distance and real time. I have been away from home 4 days now, and I am almost dying to go back yet I still have 3 more days til I leave. I'm not sure but I think this may be true for at least most people. When you step away from your life and problems you generally are stepping into someone else's, and while these are my "problems" too, I don't have to see them everyday. I miss my own problems...

I have said before, I've lost a lot of people already in my life and now I have taken a cavalier view of death and mortality. My Grandmother is soon to be 83. She is in stage 5 of Parkinson's Disease (there are only 5 stages). She is losing her memory and her entire thought process. Her husband already passed, and her youngest child (my mom) had to uproot her entire life to move down here to take care of her. God bless Grandmom,  she has really the best attitude about everything but that's an effect of the disease. She isn't the woman I grew up with but I like this version better. Honestly though, at what point do you ask yourself "Why am I still holding on?". We love my grandmother and it is really out of this love that as we walk down the stairs every morning we secretly hope she doesn't answer us.

I'm not sure who of you know what about Parkinson's but it is a God awful disease and most of its victims end up starving/choking to death because they lost all muscle function. Add in the uncontrollable body movement, the neurological damage, the loss of appetite and bodily functions; it really is just lovely.

I know my Grandpa is waiting for her (cause he always had to wait on her for nearly 30 years), and he would never dream of rushing her and I know how much she misses him. It has been 6 years since he passed and she still cries every day. When I got pregnant she found a new purpose but you can only fight a losing battle for so long. I can't tell you how happy I am that I got to give her her FIRST great-grand baby. She loves my little girl so much it's amazing, she is always so happy when we come to visit, but it does take a toll on her.

Being here and visiting is always an experience maybe not a good one but I wouldn't trade it. Watching someone you love wither (bodily) and fade (mentally) is the hardest thing in the world. Selfishly,  I don't want to do this anymore. More importantly though for the extremely strong and proud woman I know my Grandmother to be I want her to peacefully pass before this awful disease takes anymore of her away.

For the first time in my life I am actually ready to say good-bye to someone. Just the thought of it now has me crying my eyes out though. My Grandmom was an amazing, strong, brilliant woman and I will always choose to remember her that way. Though I will remember the better parts of these last few years, to me she will always be that tough Arizona desert, Marine and Air force wife, mother of four; stubborn as nails woman.

I love you Grandmom and I will spend as much time with you as I can but whenever you're ready it's ok.