Mehh...

I know it’s been a few days I just honestly haven’t had a minute to think in over a week. So now it’s almost midnight and I can’t sleep so my mind is finally catching up with me.

I know I do this all the time and I’m sure most people do; you start a conversation in your head with someone then imagine all the ways it could go wrong. Then suddenly your whole thought process becomes a this leads to this which will turn to that which makes you remember when you were 6 and your dog died, and before you know it you’re pissed as hell because your brother forgot your birthday 10 years ago.

So yeah that’s where I’m at haha. While tying this late night rant I keep moving to a blank spot on the page and typing topics that I want to get too eventually, I’ve got 6 so far. Some I could go on about with out really trying and others I’d really have to be in the mood to do them justice so I guess we’ll just have to see when I actually get around to using them.   
 Hopefully soon, it’s always nice to have some ideas in your pocket for when the juices stop flowing. 

I think that has really been my problem lately. I haven’t been in the mood to write, nothing has moved me to put pen to paper. No that’s a lie I have many things I’d like to talk about but I don’t have the mental capacity to work them out right now.

Lord help me and give me strength!!

Stay Tuned

Whenever you're ready

It's been a few days since I last posted, and many things have happened since then.
Firstly is my location, I am currently sitting my in late grandfathers office in South Carolina. The baby and I drove down here Wednesday and I only just figured out how to connect to my mom's wireless tonight which explains my absence.
Secondly is my state of mind. Usually the 12 hour drive down here is very cathartic for me, but since Pumpkin head doesn't like to sleep in the car the joy of the open road has been lost.
Still stepping away from your situation from time to time is always a good thing! And I don't mean like a night or a weekend though those can be good too. I mean real distance and real time. I have been away from home 4 days now, and I am almost dying to go back yet I still have 3 more days til I leave. I'm not sure but I think this may be true for at least most people. When you step away from your life and problems you generally are stepping into someone else's, and while these are my "problems" too, I don't have to see them everyday. I miss my own problems...

I have said before, I've lost a lot of people already in my life and now I have taken a cavalier view of death and mortality. My Grandmother is soon to be 83. She is in stage 5 of Parkinson's Disease (there are only 5 stages). She is losing her memory and her entire thought process. Her husband already passed, and her youngest child (my mom) had to uproot her entire life to move down here to take care of her. God bless Grandmom,  she has really the best attitude about everything but that's an effect of the disease. She isn't the woman I grew up with but I like this version better. Honestly though, at what point do you ask yourself "Why am I still holding on?". We love my grandmother and it is really out of this love that as we walk down the stairs every morning we secretly hope she doesn't answer us.

I'm not sure who of you know what about Parkinson's but it is a God awful disease and most of its victims end up starving/choking to death because they lost all muscle function. Add in the uncontrollable body movement, the neurological damage, the loss of appetite and bodily functions; it really is just lovely.

I know my Grandpa is waiting for her (cause he always had to wait on her for nearly 30 years), and he would never dream of rushing her and I know how much she misses him. It has been 6 years since he passed and she still cries every day. When I got pregnant she found a new purpose but you can only fight a losing battle for so long. I can't tell you how happy I am that I got to give her her FIRST great-grand baby. She loves my little girl so much it's amazing, she is always so happy when we come to visit, but it does take a toll on her.

Being here and visiting is always an experience maybe not a good one but I wouldn't trade it. Watching someone you love wither (bodily) and fade (mentally) is the hardest thing in the world. Selfishly,  I don't want to do this anymore. More importantly though for the extremely strong and proud woman I know my Grandmother to be I want her to peacefully pass before this awful disease takes anymore of her away.

For the first time in my life I am actually ready to say good-bye to someone. Just the thought of it now has me crying my eyes out though. My Grandmom was an amazing, strong, brilliant woman and I will always choose to remember her that way. Though I will remember the better parts of these last few years, to me she will always be that tough Arizona desert, Marine and Air force wife, mother of four; stubborn as nails woman.

I love you Grandmom and I will spend as much time with you as I can but whenever you're ready it's ok.

Support

Some people think that when you care about someone you need to support all their decisions whether you agree or not. Personally I don’t agree with this at all. You can love someone and not support what they do, it’s called stepping back and everyone needs to do it once in a while.

While some of us live on high horses and think we know what’s best for every body(me), and we may be wrong sometimes(rarely), we need to know people make their on choices. No one will listen to you all the time. You may think some one may being doing something stupid or dangerous, you can tell them. In the end though they are going to do what they want no matter what you say.

At this point it is up to you to decide if you want to be there for them when it’s over. I’m not talking about hitting on some random hot guy at the bar, I‘m talking about bigger life choices.
At what point to you realize that this is the last straw. When do you say, “I’m done picking up your messes.”? When is it time for “I love you but I can’t.”

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. How long must we keep beating our heads on walls before you realize we are always going to get a headache and we need to walk away? It may be hard for us horse people who always want to fix everything to leave at times like this. You have to! If you stay and keep putting the messes back in order nothing will ever change (The proverbial wall)! Our headache causing loved ones need to hit that wall for once and clean up there own mess by themselves in order to learn any kind of lesson.

More often then we care to admit, it is healthier for everyone to take a “friendship break”. Take some time off from each other, give yourself time to let go, and give them time to get through whatever idiot thing they’ve done this time.

This post is really me speaking to myself ‘cause I am taking freaking forever to learn this damn lesson!! Apparently my horse is REALLY REALLY tall. I’ll tell you guys all about it but won’t do it myself… Maybe now I will since I put it there publicly, at least I hope so ‘cause my head really hurts.

Stay Tuned people!!!!

Father's Day

I like many others I'm sure could say a lot of bad things about Father's Day. My Daddy passed away at a very young age 9 years ago. Almost exactly 2 years later I lost my very favorite Grandpa, then just 2 years ago I lost my other, extremely wonderful Pop-pop. Needless to say for a long time Father's Day was best not mentioned around me.

Through the years I have never felt like I actually lost any one really. I don't know if just that I believe so hard or that it's true that I have "ghosts". Either way I still feel, think about, and talk to all my loved ones daily.
These days I have a new reason to celebrate and be thankful, my husband is the most amazing Daddy I've ever seen. Our little girl is so in love with him I can't help but stop and watch them snuggle smiling to myself.

I chose to spend my Father's Day hanging out with my husband and playing with our beautiful daughter.
I love my Dad and I know he loves me. I also know he of all people wouldn't want the ones he loved to sit around crying and wasting good grass cutting days.

Yes it is god awful to lose our loved ones.
But it is not the end of the world, (your world maybe) life goes on you have to too.


Now it's bed time!
Stay tuned!

I Should Get Dressed Now...

I know I should shower and get dressed now but I have a banana smeared monster chasing me around the living room growling her head off. Frankly these are the best mornings I've ever had. When you're forehead to forehead with your own little monster snuffing and growling at each other, it's the greatest!!

Some days being home with her isn't always great, but our good days are really amazing. Yeah there's tantrums and poopy diapers but there's also tickle monsters and patty cake. If you just say "Patty Cake" she runs through all the motions herself, it's really cute!

I haven't been out of the house all week. I was really looking forward to going to the bank and some stores, but now I find myself reluctant to end this fun we're having. I swear teaching my daughter to growl and dance are my two greatest accomplishments.

After having her I can honestly tell anyone who's thinking about getting pregnant, there is NO being prepared for parenthood!! Yes there is an advantage to planning it as to being surprised but in the end no one has a clue what their doing. It's overwhelming and scary but it's also great. Now my husband and I did everything fast and backwards, but it worked for us. We both would be the first in line to tell anyone to WAIT!! Wait to get married. Wait to have children. We love our life and wouldn't change it for the world, but after all we've gone through it's easy to see how so many couples fall apart.

Love is easy. Easy as breathing, if it's not your doing it wrong, but living with someone can be hard. So don't rush. You have time.

Always from one extreme to another with me!!

Stay Tuned

Stagnant

There has been a lot of activity in the lives of many people around me. Be it good or bad, new and terrifying, or expected and thrilling, it seems every one but me has something going on.

I could go into what everyone’s doing but that would just depress me further, so I won’t. I know I have a wonderful life I’m not complaining about that at all. I just need something new. My husband and I have decided that I should go back to work, but I have some traveling to do first. So now I’m counting down the days until I can start sending resumes out again. I know I could start looking now but my luck they’d call me back and want me to start now.

I feel like I’m 18 again. You know, the age between high school and college or a job, and you feel like you’re just sitting around waiting for your life to begin. It really sucks.

My husband makes a good living, obviously, but if we want to own a home or ever have new vehicles then I need a job too. I’m fine with that, truthfully I don’t really love being at home all the time. I think a lot of it has to do with me still being bitter about losing my last job. If I hadn’t been fired we could already have the life we want, or at least be well on our way to it.
Finding a job won’t be that hard, but finding one that’s worth having after gas and childcare will be hard. Childcare is what really kills you. If I work part-time I need to make at least $11 an hour to actually bring anything home. Sad right! I was looking at vehicles yesterday doing all the math, I could get a 2013 Honda Pilot and my monthly payments would be almost 100 less than what I’d pay for childcare in the same month. That makes me crazy!

These next few weeks are going to drag and I know it. I have to do my traveling first ‘cause I know I won’t be able to do it once I get a job. So now I get to sit on my hands for the next month or so just compiling a list of places to apply to.

This sucks

Stay Tuned

Music=Life:

If it wasn’t illegal I would live my life in song lyrics. There is not a thought or feeling you could have that hasn’t been in a song.  Whether you want to be distracted or you need solidarity music is the place to turn. Punkinhead and I have been jamming out all day. At 17 months my daughter has a better taste in music than most people I know.

I don’t favor any particular genre or style over another, I like it all (well most of it, Beiber should kill himself though). I go through phases and always what mood I’m in plays a part. Lately I have been more into rock/metal to most of my friends displeasure. Honestly though I say when it comes to music you always need to give it a chance! It may not be your favorite but don’t shut it out. Someone out there loved it enough to make it and you can’t spare what 3 minutes to listen to their hard work?

The face of my radio doesn’t work so I have no idea where I am on the dial most times and I really love that! I find so many new sounds that way! 

I know everybody loves music but for me, music close to a religion. I feel my heaven on earth when my eyes are squeezed shut and I’m belting it out. Music touches my soul like nothing else on earth. 

I know there are more people like me out there! I know there are some who would laugh at my limited knowledge. I would love to meet those people and have my mind blown!

My point today is that music is a very powerful thing. To some people it’s sacred so when you get in someone else car, don’t fuck with their radio! That’s a dick move and you liable to get hit or at least yelled at.

Go Jam out brothers!!

Stay Tuned

Blubbering mess

To be honest I have studiously ignored my Blogger tab today. My husband took our daughter up to see his family and won't be back til tomorrow evening. This is the longest I have ever been away from my baby. I didn't cry and I've kept myself busy all day, but now it's starting to hit me how freaking quiet it is. I haven't been really alone like this in over 2 years. I used to relish my "me time" I'd sit in my room for hours just for a little break, now not so much. I mean an hour or two is lovely don't get me wrong, hubby wants to take the kid to the store or something, be my guest! But  two whole days is kind of a lot...

I know I'm not going to fall asleep tonight... So expect so more rambling posts after this, sorry.

God how sad am I!! It is 10 o'clock on a Saturday night, I'm in jammies watching Monsters Inc and fighting my dog for the last Oreo.
Sometimes being a "grown up" is not as much fun as I thought it would be. I must say though, I don't feel like a "grown-up". If someone were to randomly ask how old I am, and probably say 19 or 20 (I'm well on my way to 25). I asked my husband how old he was the other night and he said 22, then stopped and frowned, and said "Wait that's not right is it?". He's older than I am ;). I honestly don't think there is such a thing as "grown-up". We humans are always growing, changing, and evolving. They say you learn something new every day, doesn't that add to the growing process? Trees for example will continue to grow until they die right? It's not like people reach a certain age and never change again til we die.
I know I am an adult, that is an age range (though it may start later for some), but I am no where near grown! Maybe physically but then tell that to my waist line haha.

Wow this really is all over the place... I think I'll end it now...

Stay Tuned

Life is pretty good...

Normally when my husband gets up I surface to a half sleep so I hear him fumble around but don't actually wake up. This morning I didn't feel him get out of bed so I was really asleep when he leaned in to kiss me goodbye. So we kiss like normal and then he softly whispers, " I made coffee ." I sigh and smile and lean up to kiss him again. Then he whispers "I did a load of laundry too." Now my eyes open for real! He just chuckled kissed me again and walked out of our room.
I smile and shake my head as I roll over and snuggle into our puppy. I actually got to fall back to sleep with my large hairy body pillow for a whole more hour!! I woke up and the alarm clock said 7:58. Oh my gosh!!!! I go to check on the baby cause she never sleeps that late! She's just standing in her bed talking to herself. When she sees me she cracks up laughing and waves her chubby little hand at me. We smile and laugh all through diaper changes and getting jammies on then she growled at me when I hugged her to hard. Now we're all lounging in the living room, the puppy is licking up the remnants of breakfast and she's walking around with her sippy cup in her purse picking up toys.

To most of you this may not seem like something to blog about, but to those who know this has been a morning sent from heaven specifically for me.

Now the rest of my day begins. I can only hope all our good moods can last!

Stay Tuned

What’s lost, is Found:

We all lose things in life, family, friends, car keys. Things go missing from our lives whether due to death, distance, or circumstance.
  
                        “Nothing is ever really lost, or can be lost,

No birth, identity, form — no object of the world.

Nor life, nor force, nor any visible thing;

Appearance must not foil, nor shifted sphere confuse thy brain.

5        Ample are time and space — ample the fields of Nature.

The body, sluggish, aged, cold — the embers left from earlier fires,

The light in the eye grown dim, shall duly flame again;

The sun now low in the west rises for mornings and for noons continual;

To frozen clods ever the spring's invisible law returns,

10               With grass and flowers and summer fruits and corn.”

-Walt Whitman, Continuities

That is a true statement if I’ve ever heard one. All things will find their way back to you in due course. The ones we love never really leave us. All objects can be found if we calm down and take a second look.

Yes I am pulling out all the clichés tonight. If you haven’t noticed they tend to be true…

In my short life I have lost a great deal of people, many to death, and some just to the way people naturally grow and change. I am finally learning the lesson. If someone truly mean a great deal to you there’s a good chance you in turn meant a great deal to them. REACH OUT. Honestly it cannot hurt! If too much has changed to rekindle your relationship then send them off with all the good wishes you possess. But, what if???

Same goes for those who are no longer “here”. Reach out!! Talk to them, they will find a way to show you they are still with you. Because they are!!

As for your ocean of lost items, take 5 seconds out of your instant internet lives, breath, and clean your damn room!! If that doesn’t work simply ask and you shall receive, but you must try on your own first! Trust me I’ve tried just asking a lot hahaha.

In all harshness you are lonely and lost because you choose to be. Most think it makes you strong to do everything on your own. While that is true, knowing, and being able to ask for help show an inner strength that knows no bounds.

Learn, Absorb,
Stay Tuned!

Seeing the signs

Last night I had a girls night with the two best friends of my life. My best friend Erika whom I’ve written about before and our other best friend Sam whom I haven’t spoken to in almost 2 years.

For the past couple months I been wanting to reach out to Sam, but something was holding me back. Now you’re going to hear a lot of stories about a woman named Gam, she was probably the most influential adult in my younger life. She passed away almost 10 years ago, but she never left. I hear and feel her in everything I do. Lately she’s been getting louder. About a month before she died we were in the car together and she said to me “I don’t worry about my girls cause I know you’ll always be there to take care of them.”

Most would think that is a very heavy thing to say to a 15yr old. But in the life I lived that was the biggest compliment I could have gotten.

The past few weeks every time it gets a little quiet in my head I can hear Gam almost yelling this at me. I’m choosing to believe Gam knows something I don’t. Maybe Sam needs me again, maybe I need her, or maybe we just need each other.

I can’t help but think it’s a sign. To have been feeling the way I have, and then out of nowhere have an impromptu dinner for no real reason… Well what would you think?

People constantly grow and change, and I know we aren’t the same girls we were when we stopped talking. So we’ll just have to take it one step at a time and hope like always we can pick up where we left off.

I’ll be sure you keep you updated!
 
Stay Tuned

Words of wisdom

I had lunch with my best friend today. We were talking about life and our families and what not a normal lunch date.
Today though I held the proverbial mirror to her face. I may have been a little harsh but I meant what I said. I gave her a view of how I see her actions and relationships. As her best friend for over a decade she and I know I only "go off" and say things like this when I really mean them. She also knows I do have her best interests at heart, even when I'm mean I still love her.
I can only hope she really heard what I said, and I hope she starts making better decisions.

We can become so focused on our own lives and goals, we stop seeing the effect we have on others. We can focus so hard on how others treat us we fail to see how our actions and attitudes make them see us.

It's impossible to not take some things for granted. You can't possibly give thanks for every breath you take, you'd never get anything else done! But when it comes to the bigger stuff every now and then we need to take a step back and ask ourselves "Am I really showing how much this means to me?" People don't have to help you, so when they do you need to make that extra effort to show your thanks.

Stay Tuned

Love of my Life

So I’m eating lunch and surfing channels and I land on Bravo’s Newlyweds The First Year. Watching these couples, I have little faith in their marriages. I think Jeff & Blair are the only two who will make it… There seems to be a level of maturity missing in this generation.

Yeah, that’s big talk coming from a 24 year old right. My husband and I have only been together 2 ½ years. We got married on the 1 year anniversary of our first date. We are best friends and all each other has.

I can proudly claim we did it all on our own! We moved in together at 4 months, and got pregnant at 6 months. Fast forward 2 years we have our own place, a smart, happy, wonderful daughter, and basically everything we could need.

Yes sometimes we fight and disagree, and wonder why we’re together every couple does. But we never go to bed angry, and we never publicize our problems, and we KNOW there is only room for two in this relationship no one else matters.

I think the best part about us is that we aren’t sorry for anything we did. Believe me we got a lot of crap from every direction with just about every step we took. That didn’t stop us or even make us stumble. We knew what WE wanted and we made it happen. You’ll notice a lot of “we”s in this post. “We” is THE most IMPORTANT word in a relationship no more “you” or “I”.

I know it’s like asking for world peace, but I really wish every one could find their soul mate.

As always I wish you the very best.

Stay Tuned

My Other Baby:

As you know I have a beautiful little girl, but we also have a gorgeous boy as well. His name is Jax, he’ll be 2 in August. He is a 70lbs purebred blue pit bull, and the 3^rd love on my life.

I was 6 months pregnant and my brother brings home the most beautiful puppy I’d ever seen. (This should be an example of how much common sense my brother has. There’s about to be a baby and he brings home a puppy!) Of course we all fall in love immediately! Needless to say though it’s been a little rough, we made in through PARVO and bringing home baby, potty training, and puppy abandonment issues. So now Jax lives with us and we love it.

I bring this up because yesterday my brother texts me and says he’s off from school and misses Jax and wants him to come stay at his place for a while. I know initially Jax was his dog, but now he’s mine. I feel like an adoptive parent and all of a sudden the “real” parent is back and wants some custody.

I know to some of you this may seem a little extreme, but that just makes me think you’ve never raised a dog. He honestly is like a child to us.

I feel like I can’t tell my brother no, but he wants to take him for the month of June! Can you imagine having your 2yr old with someone else for a month!! It’s going to break my heart!!

Especially since this weekend my husband it taking the baby with him to see his family, so I would be all alone for the whole weekend! I mean I’d still have our cat but in all honesty she scares me…

I guess it’s time for my Big Girl Pants once again… How scary is it though to live in a new place with no friends, no one you know, neighbors that scare you, and red neck boys who fish across the street and holler obscene things when I walk outside! Yeah awesome leave me home alone… great…

Well if you don’t hear from me next week thanks for reading what I had to say!

Stay Tuned (Fingers Crossed)

I'd attach a picture of Jax but I don't know how sorry!

Jumbled....

Normally I go into Word and type up my post, today I can't seem to pick a topic... 
I have a few mingling around but if I concentrate one to hard it fizzles out...
I have some pre-typed but I'm not in those kinds of moods today, and I like to stay true to myself that way. I type what I feel and today,... I got nothing. I think I just have to much going on right now to keep my thoughts straight. 
Sorry I haven't been super exciting yet. I'm still getting the hang of all this and figuring out where to draw the line on what is post-able and what isn't  in case I am ever found out. 


PLEASE Stay Tuned