"Friends"

I have to say, growing up I was always a little different. I wasn't the weird kid but I wasn't "cool" either. I saw myself as a social butterfly. I had friends all over but no best friends and no one I could call after school to hang out with. 

I was cool enough to go to all the birthday parties and sleepovers, but I spent most of my summers laying on the couch watching t.v. alone. I didn't have constant friends until middle school, and even then I wasn't myself and had to put up with a lot of cruelty to be "accepted". I did a lot of things I didn't want to, and participated in acts I didn't agree with all in the name of friendship. 

I had one friend in high school for a short period who I could be myself with. The first night we met we stayed up til like 5 a.m. talking. To this day we are still friends but we live a couple thousand miles apart and have families of our own so we don't talk much, but I could call her if I needed to. 

I did have a really good group of guys friends that I hung around with, but we weren't always on the same page. Quiet often though they were the only ones there for me when I needed them. Sadly though some crazy times we all separated like a lot of childhood friends do. 

So after years of failed relationships and a lot of loneliness, I was graciously accepted by an amazing family. I become the person I wanted to be with their help, and I met my absolute best friend through them. 

While now I have a big beautiful family I still don't have m(any) friends, but that's ok with me. I have the best friend I could ever find in my husband, and our kid is pretty awesome. I have all my family when I need them and I am working my way back to God. Honestly what more could I ask for? I'm just a little sad it took me so long to be realize I was fine on my own. 

Stay Tuned

I'm all over the world!

So I was looking through my blog activity and I found something new to me. There's an "audience" page that lets you see where in the world your page has been viewed. I have to admit it's pretty awesome to know that people all over the planet have seen my blog. They might not "follow" me but they have seen it, and THAT is a really powerful feeling.

I have what I thought was a small "fan base" mostly family and friends. I have been up and writing for 6 months now and still only have about 1250 pages views over all. That never bothered me as I've said before I do this for me, and if I help someone in the process then YAY.

Today however completely changed my views. I mean it's kind of a big deal that out of 1250 views 130 or so came from RUSSIA!!  It would appear that I have followers all over!! There's been about 50 veiws from Germany, 25 from the Netherlands!!

Now as far as I can tell I  don't know if I have international "followers" per-say. I can't if they don't attach themselves as followers I can't see them. I would really really hope that at least a few of them became fans and "stay tuned", but just knowing I've been seen is really huge!

Of course I am so grateful to anyone has takes the time to read what I have to say especially since I can get a little long winded at time :). I guess I never really thought what I had to say would be very interesting, so the idea that it's being translated and read elsewhere is really astounding to me!! 

I want to thank ALL of my readers!! honestly without you I probably would have stopped writing a long time ago! 

Thank you all so much!!
Stay Tuned!!

Torn....(This one's a rambler)

I know it's my own fault for sharing my blog. I have followers now that I never intended to have... Not that I mind obviously I shared my writing for people to read but now I feel like I have to watch what I say and that bothers me.

I started this blog so I could be totally honest and get everything without "blowing up" in real life. This was a place for me to air my thoughts and feelings, to clear my head enough to be able to think things through. Now though I have family and friends who read almost all I have to say(again I'm not complaining about that).

 I have seriously considered starting a new blog under a pseudo-name, but that goes against the reason I started this one and the way I'm trying to live my life. Normally my philosophy is if I wouldn't call everyone on my friends list and tell them whatever I'm thinking, then don't post it.Granted my friends list has really slimmed down in the past few months the idea still applies. 

In this blog you will never see any names other than my own. You will never see me bad mouthing my husband or child. When you see me write something that sounds passive aggressive, firstly it's not a call out it is simply me getting my thoughts in order, secondly if you think it's about you, then it probably is ;). Anyone who knows me knows if I have something to say I say it, but I'm just trying to say things better these days hence the writing.

When I started this I wrote in my info that above all this is for ME, if you don't like what I have to say then stop reading and don't come back. Also I'm not doing this post for any other reason than to remind myself and my "followers" that this is my blog and I'll do as I please.

Stay Tuned

I'm gonna make this place your home

So the baby and I got to spend a truly lovely long weekend at home. We attended Great Grandma's 90th birthday and were there for my "parents" 25th wedding anniversary. It was just a wonderful weekend and I am so blessed to have such amazing family all around. 

As many of you know I  have quite a large family, I mean 60+ first cousins alone! While there are some I've known all my life, and a fair amount I've never met we are "family" and I belong.

I use "Quotes" because the traditional concept of family carry much weight in my humble opinion. I have family that I've know my whole life that I know almost nothing about. Not that I don't love them cause I do, but for one reason or another we aren't close. Hell I have "blood" relatives I've never even spoken to, and that doesn't make them any less my family. 

For me I am closest with my "adoptive" family. I quote because I wasn't actually adopted just accepted without question. They were there for me at a time in my life when I was most lost. They were so different from everything I knew, and that was what I needed. In many ways they saved me, who knows what I would have done if they hadn't been so accepting as to let their sons friend suddenly move in with them. I literally went for a weekend visit and stayed for almost a year. 

I guess my point is that families come in all shapes and sizes, and who you consider family is really your own business. You might not call someone family that your sibling or cousin swears is. While I have my favorites, and I love all my family I don't need to be anyone else' favorite. I am happy and truly blessed just to be a part of it all. 

So next time you attend a family event take a moment to sit back in wonder that you are an important piece to complex puzzle.

Stay Tuned

Wonder-filled

Today is my husband and mine 2nd wedding anniversary. This day more than any other I sit back in wonder at all that we have done in the few years we've been together. I could not be more proud of the life we've made and the daughter we've raised. There is truly, very little I would change about our life.

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I could never in a million years find a better partner than the one I have. I know how lucky I am, and I'm thankful every day for the great life he's provided. In all things he is my better half, and the very best friend I have ever had.
I've come to notice how very few decisions I make without him. I don't see it as a weakness, or a dependency problem. I see it as the depth of our connection, if I can't pick out laundry detergent by myself it's simply because I want him to love the smell of his clean laundry.

Even the most stable relationship get tested by self doubt. I know how much I love him, and I know he loves me but some days I can't help but question am I the wife he deserves... Of course I answer "NO! He could do WAY better than me!". I know how good he is for me and what differences other people have seen in me since we've been together. But I can only wonder if the same things are said and seen by his friends and family? Has my love changed him like his has me? Are there people close to him that have never seen him so happy or doing so well?

These might sound like questions of an insecure young girl, but that's not it. I want to know that I am right for him. I want to know that I am the love of his life that will never get away. I need to know that I am the best possible partner for him because I want nothing more than his utmost happiness. I want to be his utmost happiness!
I know how this sounds, so how about a little back story.
When we met, he was living in his very small home town, he'd only had a few serious relationship, and he was generally unhappy with everything. I was new in town with lots of history and "adventurous" stories. Some days I can't help but feel that he latched on to me because I was so different. I got him away from everything he knew and was unhappy with. Did he settle for me as a means of escape?

I'm not saying all this because I have any doubts about us, in fact I have never doubted us. I wrote this simply to show that even the best of us aren't always at their strongest. It is natural to have some doubts in life as long as you don't let them get the best of you, or else you may miss out on the best things.

I get to have a slumber party every night with my best friend, because I shushed my doubts and let true love build our home.

Stay Tuned

Fearless love

People always said my Dad was an everyday Angel. He was kind and funny, and he would do whatever he could to put a smile on your face. My Dad passed away 10 years ago and to this day when I see his old friends and co-workers they still get teary eyed talking about him. I think that says more than anything I ever could.

Luckily for me and my Daughter, girls fall in love with their Fathers. My Husband is one of those Angels. He'd give you the shirt off his back and his last dollar without a second thought. He has a smile that will light up a room and touch your soul. It's no wonder why I fell in love with him on our 1st date. 

I know my Father would be proud to call him Son, and I know he would be proud of the life we've built together. My greatest sorrow is that they never got to meet. 

Knowing the two most important men in my life makes me very excited and unafraid for my daughter. I know when she grows up, and is ready to settle down, she's going to find a MAN who will be everything she needs. Someone who will be her best friend and lover. Who will be a wonderful Father to their children, and a good provider who puts his family first. 

I can't imagine how hard it's going to be to "give her away" when the time comes, but I know if she finds a man like her Daddy and Pop pop, it'll be a little easier. 

This week is our anniversary week. So yes I get mushy for a few days. Wednesday marks our 2nd wedding anniversary, but Monday makes it 3 years together total. (Yes we got married after only 1 year). We have done so much in our short time together it almost seems unreal. I am so proud of him and of us, and I cannot wait to see what adventures our future holds!

Stay Tuned