Extremely Exaggerated Sigh.....

The past couple months have been really insane for us, that's why I started writing again. This weekend all the big stuff finally came to a head. I am one of those people who completely stress about making the decisions. The yes or no is so hard for me but once it's figured out I'm fine. 

So as of right now the next many years of our lives is decided on. It seems to me that whenever we get close to the light at the end of a certain tunnel to decide to do something else crazy and add countless miles between us and that light. Hopefully if all goes right this will be it, and we'll be set for life. Although we both know the next 2-3 years are going to be really really hard, I am promised that by the time my punkinhead is old enough to remember all things will settled.

One of our decisions was that, for the time being, I will remain a S.A.H.M. So be prepared for years of blogging!! Hopefully I'll get crafty at some point and be more entertaining than I am now. We are still looking to buy a house, just not quite yet. And we are planning to try for another baby withing the next year. With all that going on and my Hubby working 16hr days it just doesn't make sense for me to go back to work. Plus the cost of having two kids in care is absolutely astounding. 

I have decided however that if I am going to "be home" with my babies, we are going to travel. Hopefully once a month we'll be able to go visit with some one. Like I've said before we have family all over, and I have friends who have been begging for a visit for years. If I'm not going to "work" then I'm not going to spend my days inside waiting for someone to want to go do something. I am going to get involved in the community. We will join play groups, and Mommy groups. 

As long as my little car is running reliably I will not be bored, and I'm going to plan the best road trip out to Nebraska to finally visit one of my oldest best friends who moved away almost a decade ago.

Hopefully I'll have some really good stories soon!!!

Stay Tuned

Up, Down, and all Around

         The past few weeks have been really crazy for us. We've been super busy and super stressed, and honestly I've been feeling a little down about everything. Luckily yesterday I had a few lovely conversations with some unexpected friends and it helped me a lot.

         As I've mentioned before, I don't have many friends. Recently my two "best friends" have been hanging out a surprising amount. No one bothers to call me, I know I live farther away, but if I knew stuff was going on I'd get there. In the past 2 weeks I've only gotten out of the house once with someone other than my daughter or husband.

         All this makes my yesterday all the more great. When you feel forgotten or left out nothing makes it better then being remembered by "distant" friends. By "distant" I just mean good people I don't normally talk to on the day to day. Of course I won't say who they are but if they happen to read this they'll know it's about them.

         I may not have solved any of my problems, but it's always nice to talk to a new ear, and I got some lovely good news. I am one of those "island" people who can only confide in a few people and even then only certain things. What I tend to forget is that there are people out there who care and will listen and won't judge. If I actually chose to reach out there would be more hands reaching back then I would have ever thought.

     Insecurity can ruin the best of us. 10 times out of 10 the worst of it is in our own heads.    

I'd like to say thank you to all my friends who might not "always" be there, but are always there when I didn't know I needed them.

Stay Tuned.

Where are the lines...?

I have so much that I want to talk about and share, but I can't. Where do you draw the line when you're talking about someone else? Or a relationship? Yes they are MY thoughts and opinions but do they really belong on a public forum for anyone to see?

No probably not...

Honestly at the moment aside from commenting on the weather just like every other hot jackass I have no safe subjects to touch on. Everything leads to something else.. Yes generally my thought train is forty cars long and meanders through the mountains, valleys, and oceans, but right now everything I want to talk about is directly connected to something that is off limits.

Well, except I'm still looking for a job, oh and there is a gnat in my face... gahhhh

I don't have many people I can talk to and when I say not many I really mean none. When I started this blog I wanted to use it as a journal really, but knowing there are people out there who I know who read this from time to time how much of my life do I really want to share...? If I couldn't pick up the phone and talk to them about it do I really want them reading about it here?

No probably not...

So here again I am with this problem of having so freaking much to say and can't do anything with it. I know tomorrow I will get a few phone calls saying "What the hell! Why didn't you call me?" To which I will reply "It was 1 in the morning no one wants to talk at 1 in the morning." So please don't call if you were thinking about it.

My only other thought is to make a new blog under a pseudo name and put all my personal rants there where no one I know will find me or know that it is in fact me. I do journal generally, but most of my journal writing ends up here hence the "this is my journal". There is something about knowing someone can see your feelings and either sympathize or offer advice that it so much more appealing than just writing down all your angry thoughts in a random note book never to be seen again.

I just don't know anymore...

I did it again!! Mountains, Valleys, LOOK A WHALE!!!

Stay Tuned 

Losing my Eff'in mind

Everybody has something in this world they absolutely HATE. Mine is flies, they are the bane of my existence. Now I'm not talking about fear, I'm not afraid of them I just hate them!! Nothing is more disgusting than flies. I would rather have mice or rats or anything else!!

I bring this up because I have been in battle with the wretched flies for the past 2 weeks. Just this afternoon I've killed 8 of those f*ckers. I'd like to point out that my house is not a mess, we aren't hoarders, there's not dirty dishes or food or trash all over. I'd also like to point out that our windows and doors have been closed due to the heat so I have NO CLUE how they're even getting in the house.

Make that 10 flies down.

I'm really at the end of my rope. Between the gnats and flies I losing my damn mind!! I can't eat or drink anything, I can't open my mouth without my hand in front of it. I am honestly so disgusted I don't know what to do anymore.

Make that 13!!

 UUGHHH I'm moving point blank period!!!!

Taking a Break

I have spent all week filling out applications, mailing resumes, and negotiating with the bank. I have had a phone to my ear and laptop on my lap for 3 days straight. Well I mean between dishes, laundry, diapers, and snuggles. So of course I decide to step away and write a post with a "small" child climbing all over me.

These days it is hard for anyone to find a job, add to that having a 18 month old jabbing you in the head with a pen. I am a stay at home mom who is looking to get back in the work force. I have everything stacked against me. No employer wants to see gaps in work history, no one wants a mom who might leave again, on one wants anyone without some kind of college degree. Though it has been less than a year since I lost my job every day that gap gets bigger. I did not leave my former job voluntarily to be a stay at home, but I can't promise I won't have more children and have to leave my position. No I did not finish college, but I have experience, life and work force experience that you can't get in a class room. The circle supposedly goes "I can't get 'cause I don't have experience, I can't get experience 'cause I can't get hired."
The same goes for education, if you don't have it, they don't want you but you can't afford to get it without a job to pay for it. Basically they want you to have everything just to get in on the ground floor. It's a bitch!!

On top of that my husband and I are in the process of getting a mortgage loan. We found a mini version of our dream house, but it was contracted the very morning we called about it. Still we've gotten the ball rolling and hopefully we can find something else we love. We are hoping to find out today what we are approved for and really start looking. Needless to say I am very very anxious.
Oh and F.Y.I. having anxiety and bruised ribs is not a pleasant combination.

I really should be doing laundry and packing right now, the baby and I are supposed to go home to New York tomorrow morning, but laundry really hurts. Besides I don't have a car yet so it's hard to get overly excited... I really hope to get my car back from the shop today...

It's so strange just a few weeks ago I wrote about being stagnant and having to wait for things to happen.
Geuss what!? Things are definitely happening!!

Stay Tuned

I am loved.

I have been very lucky in my life. I have a wonderful family, and I have been “adopted” into other wonderful families along the way. Though I am no longer friends with many of the people I was in high school, I will never forget the impact their families had on me.

My own family lives near by, but after my fathers death I didn’t seen much of them for many years. That only left me with my Mother and Brother both of whom I was not very fond of in my earlier years. I latched on to any family I could. They weren’t perfect but they were exactly what I needed when I had them.

I won’t get into detail about everyone that would take a book series. I have lost contact with many of my families over the years, but a part of me knows if I were to knock on their door they’d invite me in like no time had passed. There are some though I will carry with me in my head, heart, and hand until the day I die.

I have loved and been loved by an abundance of people, and I wouldn’t trade and of my experiences for the world. I have homes up and down the coast and across the country. I love my family, each and every one of them. They are all different, and I have a special bond with each one. On any given day if someone asked how many siblings I had I’d say “I have 8 brothers 6 sisters from 5 Moms and 3 Dads”. I have Uncountable Aunts and Uncles and more cousins then you can possibly imagine.

Some people think I’m crazy but I just smile and know that I am LOVED.

Stay Tuned