Lessons Learned

You don't realize until you're older how much you learn in your younger years. Growing up I saw a lot of wrong ways to be a parent/spouse and for a long time I resented it. Most all of the adults in my young life were single or on their second or third marriages. My parents were separated by the time I was 6 and divorced some time after. I learned A LOT from them and their following relationships. A good deal of it was not pleasant to go through, but now as a wife and mother quite a few of those experiences were invaluable.

When I was older I got the privilege to see a lot of right ways to do things. It was amazing. It gave me faith that relationships could last and families could be happy together. That two people could go through so much and still be obviously in love. It was a total shock to see something I thought was so improbable to find being done so seamlessly.

So on the verge of another anniversary with the love of my life I can only be deeply thankful for all the right and wrong that I have seen, and the guidance it has given me. While things aren't always perfect we have found the right way for us. We made the choice to make our life together, and nothing short of death will come between us.

They say the best way to love your kids is to show your love for your spouse. I can only hope that we have the kind of relationship that makes our girls want to get married when they grow up. More than that though I want them to see how a REAL MAN treats his woman AND how a REAL WOMAN treats her man. With love and support, working in unity always.

God Bless!!

I wish I had a friend...

Hello again,
I almost can't believe how long it's been since my last post....
A lot has happened since we last talked, to much to get into now but I guess that's why I'm finally writing again.

I am on maternity leave at the moment and spending the last 4 weeks with only my 3yr old for conversation has made me realize how much I miss having a friend. Usually when I tell people I don't have any friends they nervously chuckle and say "oh that can't be true." I guess it does sort of puts an awkward damper on superficial conversations.
What I don't tell people is that if it weren't for my hubby I would honestly have no need for a voice. I really don't have anyone to talk to. With hubby starting his own business I don't even see him most days and being out of work for the moment I am seeing how much I miss having someone else....
Sadly I am at the point where I can see my problem and the solution but can't for the life of me figure out how to get from here to there. Most people can make friends at work, I live an hour away from everyone I work with and having small children makes that even harder. I also don't want to rekindle any of my old friendships, we stopped being friends for a reason.
9 times out of 10 I really don't mind not having anyone but hubby, but those rare times when I feel like I need someone are getting harder to deal with as life gets more complicated.... Maybe I'm just bored and lonely. Maybe this is yet another consequence of my poor decisions from high school...

I just wish I had a friend.

Stay tuned
God Bless

But I always thought that I'd see you baby, one more time again

It's been nearly a year since we've spoken, but the fact that you are no longer part of this world rocks me to my core. Like so many people we went our separate ways eventually, but you were one of the biggest parts of my life. We spent 10 years taking care of each other, growing, learning, and of course getting into a boat load of trouble.

I had always hoped we would meet again later in life and pick up where we left off. We'd been through hell and back and then to hell again, no one could ever understand the relationship we had. I would not be the woman I am today if I hadn't had you so close to me for all those years.

I figured this was just another "break" we were taking like we'd done over those so many years. I never imagined we would end like this. We were like night and day, complete opposites that went together almost seamlessly. We had each others back but fought like bears.

I could go on for days with all the "remember the time we..." but not tonight. All I can say is I'll always love you and I pray that you finally found peace.

I'll see you later my friend.

Stay Tuned
God Bless

"I look at you and smile because I'm fine now"

Through the past year or so we have been removing unnecessary and unwanted people from our life.  Sadly it has made us hermits for the last few months.

No more!!

I was talking to a friend last night who we just all around love and miss. He asked what was new and I realized how long it's been since we've spoken. I have always been the type to withdraw until the storm has passed. I'm not sure if it's safe out yet but I'd rather play in the rain than waist my days wishing.

We have come so far in our life in the last year. I have no shame or guilt for anything we've done. Like any other person my priorities are all based around my spouse and child.  If you don't like that too bad!

So to update everyone, my love is now a small business owner! As of Friday I will be a licensed lender for my bank! Our big Girl is learning more and more everyday,  and is getting ready for potty training!!

I am proud of our life. I am wholeheartedly happy.

I know some people we have cut ties with still follow/creep on here, and really this is for them.

I look at you and smile, because I am fine now.

Stay Tuned
God Bless

Reminiscing

Sitting on my couch alone at 9:00 pm watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. In case you don't already know I am a huge dork and can give you a time line of my life through book publications and movie premiers. When HP-V came out I was a senior in high school. While they were most definitely not the best years of my life, I think given the chance, I would go back and do that whole experience over.

Like most kids I made some really stupid decisions in high school, my shame and regret is the fact that I knew they were the wrong choices and I did it anyway. Most of the time I didn't even WANT to do the idiot things we did or even spent time with the people I was always with. the last few months of my senior year were pretty much terrible, within weeks of graduation I had only 1 friend left and it was one I hadn't wanted from the beginning. At the time being a lone was more petrifying than anything else so I clung to her and continued to make not the best choices.

Now seven years later I gladly tell people I have no friends and am perfectly happy with that fact. I have my husband, and my daughter with hopes of other babies in the future, and I have my pets. For now thats more than enough for me.

Sometimes, like tonight, I can't help but wonder "What if?".

I have "friends" on facebook that I used to be really close to and it seems that they are all still very close, what if I hadn't removed myself from that group? Would I have friends now? There's one "girl" I have known for 20 years, we were really great friends once until I started down my different path. It seems almost a shame to me that I can say I've "known" someone for 20 years but don't actually know a thing about them...

I am truly grateful for the experiences I had, and am vainly proud of the person/wife/mother I have become because of the life I lead. The "what if"s always creep up on me at random moments.

I don't miss the people I had in my life I do miss the feeling of camaraderie. Knowing I could call someone in the middle of the night to tell them every insignificant detail of my day and have them vindicate all my feelings and thoughts. But, having to deal with all of our things on my/our own has done amazing things for my confidence, nerves, and faith.

Now that I've rambled on for an hour (my time), I guess the point to all this is to be grateful for what you have and the life you've lived. It's made you who you are. If you don't like who you are then put on your big kid pants and change things.

Stay Tuned
God Bless

I remember

Do you remember that night we drove in circles and parked in a bad town to watch the steam from the factory stacks exhale in front of the harvest moon, making it look like a reflection in a pond rather than rising through the night sky?

Do you remember what it felt like when we locked eyes for the first time?

What about the first time you told me you love me?

Or the way you made a joke out of our wedding vows?

I remember all of this and so very much more... I remember a million little things along with all the big. The only thing better than all the amazing memories we share is that we have the rest of our lives together to make more!

I must say I think I like all the little things the best. Though nothing will compare to the way you said "I do" or the look on your face tbhe first time you held our daughter, usually the best part of my day is that sleepy smile you have as you kiss me good morning. Or the way your face lights up when the baby screams "Daddy" when you come home at night. It's like in that second all the problems in our world fall away and hugging our baby is the only point of life.

Every day I fall deeper in love with you, you are my soul-mate, and my very best friend. I cannot begin to describe how excited I am to spend the rest of my life you!

Our life will always be an adventure, but we'll always make it through together.

I love you.

Stay Tuned
God Bless

Frustrating

For the 2nd time in as many weeks I have a new phone and new number. Honestly sometimes I feel seriously sorry for this world and what it has become.

Remember the days before cell phones? Before video games, and massive televisions?

I do, and I miss them.

I hate that I HAVE to have a cell phone. I mean don't get me wrong on my hour commute to work with a 2yr old I like that I can call for help if I need it, I'm talking about all the other stuff.

Seriously do we need to literally run our whole world with a "phone"? Not only do they have the internet but there's an app for just about EVERYTHING!!

I hate how much time I waist everyday online, most days I don't get out of bed before checking my facebook. I know that I should be able to control myself, but like any other addiction it creeps up on you and you don't realize whats happening until it's to late.

It is an addiction, people are addicted to technology, and especially social media. I wonde if I'm one of the very few who see what's happening. I know a lot of people see it but No one wants to actually do anything about it... Gahh

I'm going to stop now before I get myself in trouble...

Stay Tuned
God Bless