Reminiscing

Sitting on my couch alone at 9:00 pm watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. In case you don't already know I am a huge dork and can give you a time line of my life through book publications and movie premiers. When HP-V came out I was a senior in high school. While they were most definitely not the best years of my life, I think given the chance, I would go back and do that whole experience over.

Like most kids I made some really stupid decisions in high school, my shame and regret is the fact that I knew they were the wrong choices and I did it anyway. Most of the time I didn't even WANT to do the idiot things we did or even spent time with the people I was always with. the last few months of my senior year were pretty much terrible, within weeks of graduation I had only 1 friend left and it was one I hadn't wanted from the beginning. At the time being a lone was more petrifying than anything else so I clung to her and continued to make not the best choices.

Now seven years later I gladly tell people I have no friends and am perfectly happy with that fact. I have my husband, and my daughter with hopes of other babies in the future, and I have my pets. For now thats more than enough for me.

Sometimes, like tonight, I can't help but wonder "What if?".

I have "friends" on facebook that I used to be really close to and it seems that they are all still very close, what if I hadn't removed myself from that group? Would I have friends now? There's one "girl" I have known for 20 years, we were really great friends once until I started down my different path. It seems almost a shame to me that I can say I've "known" someone for 20 years but don't actually know a thing about them...

I am truly grateful for the experiences I had, and am vainly proud of the person/wife/mother I have become because of the life I lead. The "what if"s always creep up on me at random moments.

I don't miss the people I had in my life I do miss the feeling of camaraderie. Knowing I could call someone in the middle of the night to tell them every insignificant detail of my day and have them vindicate all my feelings and thoughts. But, having to deal with all of our things on my/our own has done amazing things for my confidence, nerves, and faith.

Now that I've rambled on for an hour (my time), I guess the point to all this is to be grateful for what you have and the life you've lived. It's made you who you are. If you don't like who you are then put on your big kid pants and change things.

Stay Tuned
God Bless